Beyond the Ideal: Real-Life Strategies for Managing Maternity Leave Expectations
By Casandra Di Benedetto, MSW, RSW
Our expectations and hopes do not always turn out to be our reality. This has been the case for both of my maternity leaves. In this blog, I hope to focus on the importance of modifying the expectations that we have of ourselves and how we can cope when things are not what we anticipated. The following will not be true for everyone but is simply meant to be a reference for people who may have found themselves in similar situations.
Society suggests that parental leave should be a positive experience. A time to bond. A time to work on ourselves. A time to develop into the perfect parent. It can be easy to forget that change can be challenging even if it is something we want and are excited for. In many of the postpartum posts I read online, the focus was on picture perfect experiences or severe postpartum mood disorder; I found my experience somewhere in the middle.
As a mental health professional and a second time mom I had anticipated a few changes that might be difficult. I knew my career was a source of confidence and ambition, being away from my career for an extended period of time was likely going to be a struggle. I knew that financially our family would need to make changes while adding a new person to the expenses. I also knew that I had more external support this time as I was physically much closer to my family and friends. I was also most anxious about balancing being a mom to a new baby while also being a mom for my older child. These were the things I believed I was ready for. Because I had a plan, I assumed I would have a handle on things.
Maternity leave is often depicted as a blissful period filled with bonding, personal growth, and perfect parenting. However, the reality can be much more complex, blending excitement with unexpected challenges. Here are the things I learned and how I was able to manage expectations and cope with change on maternity leave:
- Adjust Your Expectations
Maternity leave may not always unfold as planned. Despite meticulous planning, you might find that balancing attention between a new baby and an older child is more difficult than anticipated. Understand that some days will be more challenging than others, and it’s okay to adjust your expectations. For instance, while you might aim for a structured schedule with one-on-one time for each child, reality might involve adapting to spontaneous needs and interruptions. You are still a good parent when things don’t go as planned.
- Plan Financially
Financial adjustments are a significant aspect of maternity leave. With the added expenses of a new baby and often a decrease in income, careful budgeting is crucial. Anticipate unexpected costs, such as additional holiday expenses or complications that may arise, and plan accordingly. If you’re in a fixed-income situation, be prepared for both planned and unplanned expenses to avoid unnecessary stress. It is okay if finances don’t allow for the “best day ever” for certain events.
- Communicate Clearly with Your Partner
Effective communication with your partner is vital for managing maternity leave smoothly. Discuss and agree on roles and responsibilities to avoid misunderstandings. This includes deciding who will handle specific household duties and how to manage childcare. Open discussions about these expectations can help ensure that both partners are aligned and can prevent potential conflicts. These discussions should happen prior to and during parental leave as often “the plan” does not always align with things such as unanticipated health needs, baby’s temperament, and other daily stressors that the plan didn’t account for.
- Embrace Practical Self-Care
Self-care is essential but doesn’t have to be elaborate. Simple, daily practices like going for a walk, reading, or taking an uninterrupted shower can make a significant difference in your well-being. Set aside time for self-care activities that fit into your routine and adapt as needed. Even small acts of self-care can help you feel more balanced and less overwhelmed. Sometimes we can feel guilty for self-care but not only does it benefit our overall well- being, it is also a great example to our children about the importance of taking time and space for ourselves.
- Practice Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself and recognize that striving for perfection is unrealistic. It’s important to acknowledge that doing your best is sufficient and that struggling is a normal part of the process. When faced with difficulties, remind yourself that it’s okay to seek help and that feeling overwhelmed does not mean you are failing. Self-compassion is a great way to cope with these unrealistic expectations. An example of this would be to ask yourself if you would be judging another parent in the same situation? If the answer is no, then why are you being so hard on yourself? Extend the compassion and understanding that you give to others to yourself.
- Modify Your Routine as Needed
Adjusting your daily routine to accommodate physical limitations or unexpected challenges is crucial. For example, if you are recovering from surgery or dealing with complications, be prepared to let go of certain expectations. Does your house need to be pristine? Will everyone be okay with grilled cheese for dinner? Focus on what you can realistically manage and prioritize your health and recovery. Taking the time to recover will result in less time overall that you cannot meet the expectations that you have for yourself.
- Manage Social Media Expectations
Social media often portrays an idealized version of maternity leave, which can create unrealistic expectations. Remember that these platforms tend to highlight the positive aspects, not the everyday struggles. Focus on your own experience and what works best for your family rather than comparing yourself to others.
- Build a Support Network
Lean on your support network of family and friends. Don’t hesitate to ask for help or delegate tasks when needed. Having a strong support system can alleviate some of the pressures and provide practical assistance during challenging times. Cooking and freezing meals ahead of time is one way that our support systems can help us.
- Seek Professional Guidance if Needed
If you find yourself struggling with emotional or mental health issues, consider seeking professional guidance. Speaking with a mental health professional can provide valuable support and strategies to cope with the stresses of maternity leave. If you aren’t sure where to start your doctor, the hospital, or local information lines are great places to start.
By incorporating these strategies, you can better navigate the complexities of maternity leave, balancing your expectations with the reality of your new role. Remember that flexibility, communication, and self-compassion are essential to finding harmony during this transformative period. While self-compassion, self-care, and adjusting expectations may seem simple, they require a conscious effort. For deeper insights into these strategies, I highly recommend exploring the videos and readings by Kristin Neff, which offer valuable guidance and support.